project 52 / week 23 / a past life
23/52 // a past life, part 1
23/52 // a past life, part 2
23/52 // a past life, part 3
I think in a past life I was something quiet and dark.
I tried hard to think this one through but I could never settle on any one thing.
I suppose it doesn’t really matter in the end.
Here’s what I wrote for the larger narrative of these photographs.
Every couple days, weeks, months. [Insert an unknown amount of time here] it’s really hard to be alone with myself. And I don’t exactly like the person that I am in that moment. And I wish to be one of those other versions of myself.
the one who got it right
the one who said the thing
the one who made the point
and so on
In this moment, for any given length of time, I feel restless.
starting and stoping movies
picking up a book, reading a paragraph over and over and over
thoughts aimless
body exasperated
And I give up. I give up on all of it. I can usually drag myself outside and it’s here that I realize exactly where I am. Just before this part, it’s not clear, that the darkness is back. It’s like being in limbo, waiting for an answer that is going to alter your life. The moment the coin flips and what you wish for settles into your gut. But this is the life where you get the lemon and the coin lands on the choice you didn’t want.
So I go outside and breathe the air, put one foot in front of the other and walk.
And it’s here where I realize the darkness is there.
It’s back. And I am in it. Again.
It’s here where I realize I was a fool, to think it wouldn’t still remain, clinging to me. Carrying on with me, as I go, no matter how much light I try to cram into it. It just ricochets off and dissipates. It makes me feel inadequate because just a few hours ago, a day, a week ago, [insert an exact amount of time here], I was better. Maybe even good. Maybe even bright. My name means bright, perhaps this is where some sort of cosmic oxymoron took place.
Special thanks to the girl who grew from flowers handling lights for this shoot and being a little literal ball of light in my life. To get the shot, I set up a tripod, dressed in all black (duh), and set up the camera. ISO 100, f/4.5, 6s.
I counted out loud, One Mississippi, Two Mississippi, Three Mississippi, RUN! And we ran out of the frame, hiding the light so it didn’t trail in the long exposure. I stood in front, GWGFF stood behind me, giggling and squealing about bugs, and held the light so I would be a silhouette. The light glowing around and behind me.
Leaving the frame halfway through the exposure, created a see-through effect (ghosting). Once the bugs descended in full force, we retreated back to the safety of the trailer. To get the effect right, I did some editing. In post, I selected myself, duplicated it, and added a Layer Style of Outer Glow, selecting the same orange color of the light. Then I deleted my selection (my figure), leaving only the glow and a “hole” in the image. Behind the “hole,” where I had been, I put an image of the background (lake) sans me, the light, and GWGFF. I added a few texture plates on top to give it a little older feel and done.