Imagination.
Or lack thereof.
Refers to the ability to form mental images or concepts of things not perceived through the senses. Aphantasia, the inability to visualize, is a specific example of a lack of visual imagination, but not necessarily a lack of imagination in other forms.
I definitely do not have aphantasia. I have “phantasia”. I live in a fantasy world, part dream, part delusion, and a small sliver of reality to hold it together.
In one of my favorite shows, Scrubs, a supporting character, Dr. Kelso asks the main character: “Are you an idiot?” JD, the main character, replies rather matter-of-factly: “No sir, I’m a dreamer.” And I felt seen. It’s still one of my favorite lines.
When I was very small, I couldn’t fall asleep because I had all these thoughts rolling around in my head (still do). So I’d stick my arm up into the air and write words in cursive with my index finger in the darkness. I did this for what felt like hours, but was probably only 30 minutes. While this went on, I’d work though whatever it was with the current fake scenarios. “If I say this, then they’ll say this.” And on and on. Eventually it wasn’t just words, I’d imagine the place, the weather, the setting, the people, etc. At some point, I’d fall asleep mid-scenario and then the dreams would begin. I am somewhat of a lucid dreamer and have subtle control. Not every time, but sometimes, my scenarios became the dream. Sometimes I hated it and wanted to wake up, sometimes I wished I could sleep forever.
When I was a pre-teen, I started writing down my thoughts to try to get them out. But it didn’t help the scenarios I would imagine before falling asleep. To this day, I still do this, but it’s not just before sleep, it’s in the car, on a plane, waiting in line, drawing, painting, photographing... As ljf would say, “your brain is the most powerful tool you have.” And mine, is very powerful.
So imagination. I wasn’t sure how this photograph was going to turn out but I knew I wanted to be in the clouds. I feel like clouds represent imagination. “Head in the clouds.” As the saying goes… I try really hard to keep my feet on the ground, but it’s just so much more fun to be a dreamer. Sometimes my imagination definitely runs amok and anxiety takes over but I still don’t think I’d want it to be another way. As much suffering as my own made up scenarios can cause, I don’t know any other way.
Recently I listened to a speech about how we’re not so afraid of failure, rather that we might succeed. That we might live up to our potential, that we might be brilliant and clever and all the things we wish to be. And that’s scarier in a way. To live up to the person you wish to be.
I have many versions I’d like to be. But perhaps the best one I am is the somewhat delusional dreamer, because every once and awhile I let her win and live up to the “imagination” she concocted.
